Calvin's dad...




a scene from The Princess Bride...


Vizzini: So it is down to you, and it is down to me. If you wish her dead, by all means, keep moving forward.

Dread Pirate Roberts: Let me explain...

Vizzini: There's nothing to explain. You're trying to kidnap what I have rightfully stolen.

Dread Pirate Roberts: Perhaps an arrangement can be reached?

Vizzini: There will be no arrangement, and you're killing her.

Dread Pirate Roberts: Well if there can be no arrangement, then we are at an impasse.

Vizzini: I'm afraid so. I can't compete with you physically, and you're no match for my brains.

Dread Pirate Roberts: You're that smart?

Vizzini: Let me put it this way: have you ever heard of Plato, Aristotle, Socrates?

Dread Pirate Roberts: Yes.

Vizzini: Morons.

Dread Pirate Roberts: Really. [pause] In that case, I challenge you to a battle of wits.

Vizzini: For the princess? To the death? I accept.

Dread Pirate Roberts: Good. Then pour the wine. [Roberts pulls out a small vial, and uncorks it] Inhale this, but do not touch.

Vizzini: I smell nothing.

Dread Pirate Roberts: What you do not smell is called Iocane powder. It is odorless, tasteless, dissolves instantly in liquid, and is among the more deadly poisons known to man.

Vizzini: Hmmmm.

Dread Pirate Roberts:[Roberts takes both goblets and turns away from Vizzini so he can not see to which cup he adds the poison] All right. Where is the poison? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide and we both drink, and find out who is right...and who is dead.

Vizzini: But it's so simple. All I have to do is divine from what I know of you: are you the sort of man who would put the poison into his own goblet or his enemy's? Now, a clever man would put the poison into his own goblet, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I am not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool, you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.

Dread Pirate Roberts: You've made your decision then?

Vizzini: Not remotely. Because iocane comes from Australia, as everyone knows, and Australia is entirely peopled with criminals, and criminals are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you.

Dread Pirate Roberts: Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.

Vizzini: WAIT TILL I GET GOING! Where was I?

Dread Pirate Roberts: Australia.

Vizzini: Yes, Australia. And you must have suspected I would have known the powder's origin, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.

Dread Pirate Roberts: You're just stalling now.

Vizzini: You'd like to think that, wouldn't you? You've beaten my giant, which means you're exceptionally strong, so you could've put the poison in your own goblet, trusting on your strength to save you, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But, you've also bested my Spaniard, which means you must have studied, and in studying you must have learned that man is mortal, so you would have put the poison as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.

Dread Pirate Roberts: You're trying to trick me into giving away something. It won't work.

Vizzini: IT HAS WORKED! You've given everything away! I KNOW WHERE THE POISON IS!

Dread Pirate Roberts: Then make your choice.

Vizzini: I will, and I choose... What in the world can that be? [Vizzini gestures up and away from the table. Roberts turns to look, and Vizzini switches the position of the goblets]

Dread Pirate Roberts: What? Where? I don't see anything.

Vizzini: Well, I, I could have sworn I saw something. No matter. [Vizzini smirks]

Dread Pirate Roberts: What's so funny?

Vizzini: I'll tell you in a minute. First, let's drink. Me from my glass, and you from yours.

Dread Pirate Roberts: You guessed wrong.

Vizzini: You only think I guessed wrong! That's what's so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned! Ha ha! You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Asia, but only slightly less well-known is this: never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line!! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!! Ha ha ha... [Vizzini stops suddenly, and drops dead to the right]

Buttercup: Who are you?

Dread Pirate Roberts: I'm no one to be trifled with. That is all you ever need know.

Buttercup: And to think, all that time it was your cup that was poisoned.

Dread Pirate Roberts: They were both poisoned. I spent the last few years building up an immunity to iocane powder.



and now for something completely different...